Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 15, 2013 6:55pm-7:25pm PDT

6:55 pm
that's just fun to say. next week we find out if a kid who stuck his head out of a moving car is dead. oh [beep] >> daniel: spoiler alert, is he dead. follow me on twit tore live chat during the shows. keep up with our blog and come see me on tour over the holidays. the other week we showed you a prank pie slash, nut tap, bitch slap. it has taken on a life of it's own. we have a warning. just so you know if you ignore
6:56 pm
that warning we will not put you on tv. ♪ (yelling ) >> nut tap, nut tap >> oh! >> nut tap, bitch slap [laughing] [laughing] [beep] [beep] >> daniel: alright. i'm guessing those were all shot before our episode aired. alright. good night. remember no happy endings. [ applause ] ♪ k-rb captioning sponsored by comedy central
6:57 pm
["the colbert report" theme music playing] eagle caw] stoonchts welcome to report. everybody. good to have you with us. in here out there all around the world. [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] all the ships at sea, nation i say it all the time, america's military is the baddest ass kickingest fighting force in the history of forever! [cheers and applause] you get in our way and we'll spend 10-15 years taking you down. [ laughter ] and our military just got a whole lot bad ass-er. >> for the first time the
6:58 pm
pentagon plans to deploy a weaponnized laser on a ship. this is slated to good off the coast of iran by next year. it shows the laidzer lock on to a slow moving target. in this case an unmanned drone. the drone soon catches fire and crashes into the sea below. >> stephen: if you think it's impressive wait until you see what this laser does to plane piloted by casts. [laughter] the point is, enemies of america, laser's on ♪ [cheers and applause] world, america now has a laser that can do anything from burn through a fast attack boat to
6:59 pm
emit a nonlethal burst to dazzle the enemy. that's right. it's the navy's most dazzling technology since they weaponnized cher. ♪ if i could find a way now i want the world to know that even though america now possesses laser weapons it does not mean we're going to turn into an evil empire although i will say and or that we know the ewoks or the rebels and i find your lack of faith highly laserrable. the best part is it's so affordable. >> a round of this directed energy that. s could out of this layer is a ll under $1, a little under $1 u.s. dollar. >> stephen: one doll yample we're losing money not setting
7:00 pm
people on fire. i have never been more proud to be an american well. this laser cannon nothing can stop us except bad weather, water vapor, smoke, sand or dust. so we'll defeat all of our enemies as long as iran never acquires sand technology. [ laughter ] nation, if you watch this show you know when it comes to my opinions i'm a straight shooter which is why i need a 30-opinion clip. thiscy special gun edition of tip of the hat wag of the finger. [cheers and applause] friends, i have long warned you about the threats coming from the united nations. the world ease most powerful completely impotent organization. they claim to protect children's right and yet they have underage workers doing their fund-raising. and they make those kids take night clubs as firefighters.
7:01 pm
well, tonight i'm giving a wag of my finger to the u.n. for going after what we hold more precious than our children, our guns. >> the united nations general assembly has overwhelmingly passed its first treaty regulating the multibillion international arms trade. the u.s. voted in favor. >> stephen: i cannot believe the u.s. voted for this thing. thankfully some have opposed this measure namely, north korea, iran and syria and they've been joined by one brave voice. >> the national rifle association has lobbied against the treaty. >> stephen: that's right the nra has officially joined what i call the axis of freedom. [ laughter ] of course -- [cheers and applause] of course, the u.n. is trying to convince us that gun control will make us safer.
7:02 pm
according to u.n. secretary general ban key moon the treaty will help to keep terrorists and criminals and their like from acquiring deadly arms. you might think, stephen, sounds look a good idea because i don't want evil people to have guns. well, greg -- to make it easy i've named you all greg. [ laughter ] if you wanted to take guns away from all evil people, i suppose would you start with hitler, right? pretty bad guy. guess what? he shot him swfl a gun. if you want to take away his gun you are really saying you wish hitler were still alive. that's your position, greg. that's what is going on with the u.n. gun grabbers. meanwhile back in washington the senate is opening debate tomorrow on a second amendment crushing gun control bills that may not include restrictions on semiautomatics for magazine capacity but does include background checks and a complete
7:03 pm
ban on holding your gun sideways because you saw it in a movie once. >> i'm giving a wag of my finger to the senate republicans. last week kentucky senator and home birth cautionary tale rand paul promised woe filibuster this bill. now the republicans have cold feet because 85% of the gun owners favor universal background checks. well, of course owners are okay with background checks. they've already got their guns. [laughter] the same reason i support a mandatory herpes vaccine. i've already had mine. besides the issue is gun violence. why do we keep talking about guns? no one has the courage to talk about the real problems, and when i say no one i usually mean joe scarborough because this morning he hit the head on the nail. jim? >> why don't you say something
7:04 pm
to people making billions of dollars making video games where you shoot down, you murder, you maul 1,000 people a day. becoming more and more warped, more and more twisted, more and more desensitized. >> stephen: watching something over and over again can making you forget the difference between fantasy and reality. for instance, sometimes i mistake "morning joe" for a news show. joe is right, folks, today in america it's legal for anyone regardless of mental health and criminal history to waltz into a wal-mart and buy unlimited calls of duty. the only safety they come with is an impossible to open package. [ laughter ] i always end up using my gun. [ laughter ] so i'm giving a tip of my hat to everyone with the courage to face the real problems, fake guns. it's an especially brave argument considering research has found no conclusive evidence that ming video games results in
7:05 pm
real life violence. oh, yeah, then how do you explain me throwing my wii remote through my television. don't say it was my sweaty palm because i always talc up before wii bowling, everywhere. i'm like a turnish delight. [ laughter ] of -- turkish delight. [laughter] joe and i are not alone in blaming the video games sox are democrats like california senator and margaret thatch ter hair look alike dinan feinstein. >> how come you are not looking at the video games that my children see and lead to violence. >> stephen: they are to blame for mass shootings. i'm sure you'll say what about the mass shootings that took place before video games?
7:06 pm
shut up, greg. charles joseph whitman shot 16 people from a clock tower after playing scrabble. and in 1915 a man shot 7 people dead because his parents turned a blind to his on session with hoop and stick. hoop and stick, i say. clearly we have to control the games but not remove any of the weapons from them. because that might desensitize these fragile young minds to the possibility of gun dploal the -- control in the real world. that appears to be a fant six we'll be right back.come back, .
7:07 pm
7:08 pm
7:09 pm
thank you so much. we here in the great city of new york are just a few months away from the end of mayor bloomberg's rein of terror. [cheers and applause] he has crippled this metropolis about his soda ban, his bike lanes, his gun restrictions ant creation of 311, his civic information line. thanks but no thanks mr. mayor. i don't want to know why my street smells that way. [laughter] they are going to say look at the field of candidates replacing bloom bempleg i'm unimpressed. one familiar name may enter the
7:10 pm
rice. >> anthony wiener admits he is seriously considering a comeback. >> the queens congressman said he is thinking of running for mayor. he said surveys show people are prepared for forgive him. >> stephen: will they actually forgive him? the only way to know for sure is by revisiting the scandal that forced him out of office. so sit back, grab a box of popcorn and make sure there's no hole in the bottom because here we go. in 2011 a link to this photo which appeared to be someone smuggling a shaved ferret showed up on then congressman wiener's twitter feed. he claimed to have been hacked but a woman came forward with this photo and then this one and then these and then this. that's enough, jim. thank you very much. jim, thank you. [laughter] the congressman then resigned saying he wanted to spend more time with his penis.
7:11 pm
[laughter] well after withdrawing from public life wiener is ready to stick it back in. [ laughter ] folks, that takes balls. sadly we know he has them. i for one think wiener would be a great new york city mayor. for one thing we wouldn't have to worry about a soda ban because we've seen that he puts more than 16 ounces in his cup. hey-or ooo! [ laughter ] and i believe the time is right. anthony wiener is a changed man. his own brother gave "the new york times" a testimonial. there's a dowchyness about him i
7:12 pm
don't see anymore. i think his playeral campaign just found his slogan, anthony wiener now less douchey. that reduction, that lowering in the douchey level has not come easy as wiener's brother pointed out no one has been harder on him than he has been on him is. we know how hard he can be on himself. up top! and you can hear just how much responsibility he takes for his mistake saying quote it was just something technology made possible and it became possible tour me to do stupid things. the thing i did and the damage i did not only hadn't been done before but it wasn't possible. it's true. before twitter existed he would have had to fax his dong to all those women. that's not easy.
7:13 pm
you have to get them in the feeder and then how many pages of wang photos tsms a nightmare. [laughter] anyway, welcome back anthony wiener. and good news good news we have new internet technology called instagram now. so you can add a seepa tone to make your junk shot look like it came from a time when you could
7:14 pm
7:15 pm
7:16 pm
7:17 pm
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has brought his subversive journalist to hbo. that's perfect, i love subverting journalist. please welcome shane smith. [cheers and applause]
7:18 pm
please, mr. smith. can i call you shane? >> yes. >> stephen: thanks for coming on and thank you for wearing your formal t-shirt. cofounder of vies magazine can. are you acanadian person? >> i am indeed. >> stephen: okay. join us any time. it's become a global enterprise since then. a record level, in-house creative services agency, book must bishing division now you are the executive producer and correspondent for advice hbo's new news magazine. describe the brand. what is it other than, you know, different? [laughter] >> we started as a magazine about 18 years ago. >> book when there were magazines nl and we moved to 34 countries and as we traveled to those countries we noticed there was a lot of crazy stuff going on. we started reporting and shooting it and, you know, put it online and now we have a big
7:19 pm
youth following. >> what i look about it is you have been described as having a casual miss soj any. [ laughter ] is that because you are exploring a sort of recontext you'llization of a patriarchal masculinity or do you sort of like city shots? there seems like there's nice stuff in here, you know? naked ladies and like armed gorillas. >> sure. >> stephen: why the mix? >> you know, look fashion is, you know, we have naked guys in there. >> stephen: there's not a lot of fashion involved in like no clothes on. [ laughter ] is that the honey to get people to the rest of the story. >> the editors of the mag are under 40. >> stephen: it's not me it's
7:20 pm
the editors. >> we do you will ate. >> stephen: you are a man of all jacking trades. >> there you go. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you go to some crazy places in the world. >> yes. >> stephen: what i like about this is i don't like thinking about the rest of the world. i believe we should think about america first. >> sure. >> stephen: if you are we're other places, i would rather it be you not me. >> stephen: we have a clip of some place you just went. >> i think we're in the northwest province on the afghani border with the pakistani army going into taliban controlled areas. >> stephen: jim., let's take a look. leaving now. the only part of the whole area the pakistani army controls and supports just to be clear when we say they only control the port that means the receive of the province is controlled by
7:21 pm
the taliban. >> there's machine gun as long every building on the route. it makes me worried that they say that everything is under control. >> stephen: will you share? >> whur actually doing it. >> stephen: where you scared? >> when you are doing it you are worried about the shot. at the time you are not scared when you go back and etdity you are like what was i doing. >> stephen: do you call yourself a journalist or you are an add venturer with a camera are? >> i'm both. >> stephen: what do you call yourself? >> i don't call myself anything. we get stories. >> stephen: are they accurate? >> of course. >> stephen: why? why do they have to be accurate why can't they just be emotionally moving. >> we have to be accurate. >> stephen: why? i watch hbo are you telling me there are real dragons out there?
7:22 pm
[laughter] you sent over vies was the outfit that made news by sending dennis rodman and the globe trotters to north korea. since they've come back north korea has begun on a war footing and warned the world about nuclear holocaust. thank you -- holocaust. thank you for that. have you been there yourself? >> i went twice. >> stephen: have you been there with dennis? >> no, i'm not allowed to go back because i was harsh on the regime. when i was there i saw the magic basketball. >> stephen: what is that. >> that madeleine albright gave to kim jong-il that is signed by michael jordan. that's why they love the bulls, the chicago bulls, michael jordan era. >> stephen: i love the chicago bulls, too. is there any chance i'm a totalitarian leader. >> we figured they loved the bulls, we could send them over and maybe he would show up.
7:23 pm
did he and he invited everybody back to dinner. >> stephen: you've been there, what is the experience like? is it can be stay at peace are are we going to war? >> my guess would be peace. they do a lot of sab be raying to get what they want which is food, energy. they've done this in the past. it's like going back to stalin in rush shah or maoist china. they are a fully utopian communist state that is at war with us ideologically. >> stephen: you go to places like forced labor camps. >> yes. >> stephen: you good to war zones or sexual slavery dens. why do you want to get mixed up with something as seedy as broadcast journalism? [laughter] why do tv why do tv if you have an empire online.
7:24 pm
that is where it's at at the internet. >> hbo is the gold standard. >> stephen: it's not tv, it's hbo. >> there you go. >> stephen: thank you. so much for coming. i look forward to seeing rest of it it's shane smith. we'll be right back. [cheers and